Free EXW Show: 24May2011

[Deleted]

So, it's been a while since I've been around here. And why is that? Straight-up, it's because I haven't been to any local Arizona wrestling shows, lately. And why is that? Quite frankly, nothing that was going on around town sounded interesting enough to pay $5-$10 to see.

But, last night, EXW decided to put on a free show to try and get new people interested, and to maybe bring long-time local wrestling fans back into the fold. This is a good idea. Toby Keith's bar is significantly out of my way, but Captain Cane offered to give myself and Jimmy Nova a ride out there, so, hey, why not?

They open the show by re-playing the WWE's video tribute to Randy Savage, followed by a ten-bell salute for the Macho Man. Savage was a big enough name in wrestling, and he was probably the inspiration for a lot of the wrestlers in the back, so this didn't feel weird or out of place at all.

And then we were subjugated to the latest segment of "On the Roxx with Johnny Roxx." Johnny was fantastic, and put himself over as a heel fantastically. And then Derek Neikirk came out and spoke unintelligible sentences for what felt like twenty minutes, but was probably closer to eight. Like, Neikirk was saying words that were actual words, but they didn't really form coherent sentences when put together. But this may be due to the absolutely horrible sound setup... which is awkward, because it's at TOBY KEITH'S BAR AND GRILL!

This is a venue DESIGNED to have live shows. And EXW couldn't get the sound system working correctly. That CANNOT be the venue's fault. But, I digress.

So Neikirk calls out Val Venis, and together they jump Johnny Roxx, who has just served Neikirk with a subpoena stating he cannot be within a certain distance of Dom "The Bomb" Vitalli, nor will he get any more title shots at Dom's EXW Heavyweight Championship. The Freak Squad come out to save their manager. So, cool. The main event for tonight is going to be Neikirk and Venis vs. The Freak Squad, right? I would imagine that the subpoena has fine print stating that Neikirk and Dom can be near each other during a match, and even though Neikirk can't challenge for the EXW Championship, he can still challenge for the Tag Team Titles, yes?

Because the opening segment of a show is supposed to set up for the main event of that exact same show. Watch just about any episode of Raw, Smackdown, iMPACT!, or Nitro since 1997, and that's the exact formula used. So now I'm ready for a tag team main event.

20 minutes into the show, and I've watched a former WWE star and a guy who claims to be a former WWE star (even though I've never seen his face on WWE television) beat up an announcer-turned-manager. Cool.

We finally get to our first match, and it's Willie Mack vs... Gray Charles? I apologize if I got your name wrong, man. That's what it sounded like the announcer said, through the clipping of the microphone. Anyhow, this match was pretty good. Both men delivered solid offensive moves, and I felt they lived up to the "Elite Xtreme" moniker of the promotion. Willie Mack was exceptionally crisp, doing some really smooth suplexes that looked like they were executed with ease. Charles jumped off the top rope with a cross body block that Mack rolled through, and turned into a sit-out powerbomb. A damn fantastic move to finish a solid match.

Next, Cedric the Entertainer Hitman came to the ring, and I think he cut a short promo that I couldn't make out...or maybe he just yelled at the crowd, I'm not sure. At our table, we were jokingly saying, "I think his nickname has been used before." At that exact instant, "Hart Attack" started playing, and out came... some skinny kid in a pink tanktop and pink vinyl shorts, announced as "Bret 'The Hitman' Hart." Wait, WHAT?!

Toomi informed us that it was Johnny Manson, who was in the midst of a gimmick where he was imitating other wrestlers. Okay, that's fair enough, the gimmick has been done enough that I can accept it. But why wasn't this explained to those of us who haven't been following the shows? And to top it off, Manson 1) didn't hit all Five Moves of Doom, and 2) did the three Moves of Doom in the wrong order. And then did a bunch of cruiserweight moves, before falling to Cedric's spinning Fisherman's Buster (which, I concede, was a pretty cool finisher). Cedric then started yelling about how he deserved the vacant EXW Elite Championship, because he just beat Bret Hart. Cutler Wright then came out and started yelling about how HE deserved the vacant title, as he never got to invoke the rematch clause in his contract while Dom held the title. The two then challenged each other for a match... to be #1 contender for the vacated belt? Later that night? Wait, what?!

Also, for no discernible reason, ROBOCOP showed up to help Johnny Manson to the back. Yeah, ROBOCOP. The robot cop from the goddamn movies.

This ENTIRE segment was a mess.

... I'll be back to write more, later. I need a break.

[Deleted]

After that mess of a segment, we were treated to a tag team match: The Prophet and Shadow Fox vs. "The Business," Woody and... Something-Sparks? I don't even remember their names. But the match went on WAYYY too long, and didn't follow any discernible tag team booking formula. It really felt like The Business were just there to show off their REALLY COOL MOVES YOU GUYS, and the two dudes who looked like they were otherwise high-flying luchadors were basically grounded for the entire contest. And then they won. The Business' manager, who was apparently acting GM...? Steve Osbourne, I think? He came out, and yelled at the top of his lungs into a microphone that was on way too loud to begin with, so it just sounded like Justin Bieber screaming unintelligible noises at us.

Johnny "The Bull" Stamboli and Tyson Tyler came out, and called The Business and Osbourne varying types of genitals. Because in addition to Osbourne sounding like he's 12, Tyler and Stamboli have the mentality of Jr. High students. Uh, and there was a lot of talk about something called the "GFY," which was banned. Which might have been important if I knew what the hell they were even talking about (I found out later the GFY is a tag team finisher that Stamboli and Tyler do, called the 'Go F*ck Yourself'). Great job letting those of us who haven't been to a show know what the hell you're doing, guys.

And then Sheik Samir Hussein came out, and yelled something about Osbourne wanting to be a wrestler because he slapped someone, or something. I guess it turned out the result will be a 3-on-2 handicap match, with The Business vs. Stamboli & Tyler. I have no idea. Honestly, I just stopped paying attention to everybody's yelling after Sparkles was called a vagina. That was my cue that nothing anybody was saying was going to be of value.

But Steve Osbourne was the GM... and what did Sheik have over Osbourne? Was he also a GM? That was not explained, and left me confused. Also, the talking went on for WAYYYY too long. It was longer than the match, even.

Andrew Hellman and some guy who looked like a tiny Samoa Joe (and isn't even listed on the EXW website) had a match that lacked any psychology. We started talking about drinking stories at our table. I've been straight edge since before CM Punk joined the WWE, and I ALMOST ordered a beer, but Jimmy Nova told me that his beer wasn't making the show any better. Andrew Hellman won with an elbow drop that I guess was supposed to maybe be a tribute to Randy Savage?

Next up, The Freak Squad (Dom and GQ Gallo) came out and talked our ears off for an hour and a half, and completely killing any semblance of excitement the last match had stirred up in me. The Freaks completely dominated their opponents... who were a skinny guy in electric blue tights, and a fat guy in leather shorts and a gold lamae vest. And as though the two hours I'd just spent watching the Freak Squad wasn't enough, I then got to see Frenchy Riviera totally squash some guy named Sal for eight minutes, in a match that should have been two...and then the other Freaks interfered to help Frenchy win a squash match? Wait, WHAT?!

And then Sheik came out and informed us that Dom would be defending his EXW Heavyweight Championship against Tommy Dreamer on Sunday.

Wait. Didn't the opening segment lead me to believe that The Freak Squad was going to take on Neikirk and Venis? Because that's totally what I thought was going to happen. But, uh... apparently not. And where the hell was Johnny Roxx, again?

And then Cedric the Hitman fought Cutler Wright. This match was probably actually pretty good, but after a twenty-three-hour Freak Squad segment, I had completely lost interest. Cutler Wright won after reversing Cedric's top rope walk (which was the most Elite, most XTreme move of the night, by the way). So now... he... is number one contender for a vacant title?

...so Andrew Hellman comes out, and challenges Cutler Wright for Sunday, saying HE should be EXW Elite Champion... and... uh... Sheik came back out, saying that it would be Cutler Wright vs. Andrew Hellman in a #1 contendership match for the... EXW Heavyweight Championship.

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK?!

We just spend the entire friggin' show building up a main event Cutler Wright vs. Cedric the Hitman as rivals for the Elite Championship. Wright wins the match, and isn't awarded anything... only to be challenged by another guy who I guess is a big-deal midcarder who also wants the Elite Championship. Okay, so WHY WAS A MATCH FEATURING MIDCARDERS THAT WASN'T FOR ANY CHAMPIONSHIP THE MAIN EVENT FOR THE FREAKING SHOW!?

But you know what? Everything else was booked weird, so I'll look past that. But why? Why? WHY! THE! FUCK! were these guys, who just spent AN ENTIRE SHOW talking about the ELITE CHAMPIONSHIP suddenly put in a match to be NUMBER ONE CONTENDERS FOR A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CHAMPIONSHIP!?

EXW: If you do not want to have wrestlers feud over a title that doesn't exist anymore, then DON'T BRING THE TITLE UP IN PROMOS!


This entire night was booked worse than any e-Fed I have ever seen. An eight year old playing with his goddamn toys can come up with booking this good.

If this is the show you want to hype Sunday's "Mega-Show," and to get people coming back every two weeks? It failed. It was a goddamn miserable failure.

You want to get new fans into the shows? THEN HOW ABOUT SHOWCASING THE GUYS WE ALREADY KNOW!?

Val Venis and Johnny Stamboli should have been in the goddamn ring. If you want to make it a big deal that you have these guys, SHOW US THESE GUYS! Hey, I'd pay five bucks to see Val Venis fight a bunch of indy guys. And Johnny Stamboli was cool in WCW, 10+ years ago. But at least I know who he is! (Also, y'know. If he's not gonna do the Redrum/Rellik thing, I'm not going to acknowledge it. Kayfabe, and all that.)

If Derek Neikirk and Tyson Tyler are supposedly such big deals, why didn't THEY have matches?

Look, the FREE SHOW is where you show us the BEST of what you have to offer. Don't give us 20 minutes of Gallo and Dom yelling into a microphone that doesn't have its levels properly set. Give us your BIGGEST NAME WRESTLERS having GOOD WRESTLING MATCHES. Frenchy squashing a guy for 10 minutes is not a good match for a show where you want to draw people in. This show was absolutely awful, which is a shame; Willie Mack, Charles Gray, Cedric the Hitman, Andrew Hellman, Cutler Wright, The Prophet, and Shadow Fox all seemed like they were pretty decent wrestlers, and their matches would have been worth returning for, if not for THE ENTIRE REST OF THE SHOW BEING A WASTE OF MY TIME.

As a wrestling fan, I go to wrestling shows to see wrestlers wrestle in a wrestling ring. All of the other gaga should be ENHANCING THE MATCHES, not the matches enhancing the gaga.

And maybe I'm not their target audience. You know, a 20-something male who watches wrestling shows, looking for an alternative to Talking Not Action, or the John Cena Show. Maybe they weren't trying to impress me. Maybe they were going for the teenage market. You know, in a bar. Or maybe they were going for the over-40 crowd. You know, the ones who have kids that need to get up for school the next day. In a bar. I have no idea who they were trying to impress, but it couldn't have been me.

I was not impressed with the first EXW show out at Rawhide, and I was equally as unimpressed, last night. Maybe I'll try again if there's a free show, next summer. Maybe.

(At least the night wasn't a total loss. Afterwards, I went out and got my photo taken with RoboCop. So that was pretty cool.)

[Deleted]

Here, I've re-booked the Cedric/Manson segment, so that it could make some sense. My version introduces us to the characters, gives us match that gets the point of Manson's imitation across, and sets up for the match on Sunday:

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Cedric the Hitman's music plays. Cedric comes out, grabs the mic.

CEDRIC: "For those of you who don't know who I am, I am CEDRIC THE HITMAN. I am the BEST WRESTLER IN EXW WHO DOESN'T HAVE A CHAMPIONSHIP! And you know what? The EXW ELITE CHAMPIONSHIP is vacated! I DESERVE that belt! That belt should be MINE, because I am THE HITMAN of EXW!"

Cue Bret Hart's theme. Cedric is shocked to hear that music, but turns around and sees it's just Johnny Manson. Announcer introduces Johnny Manson as Johnny Manson (who is dressed as Bret Hart) grabs the mic.

MANSON: "You think YOU'RE the Hitman of EXW?! Let me ask you this? How many people have you EXCELLENTLY EXECUTED?"

CEDRIC: "You come out here dressed like a different wrestler every week, and you expect anybody to take you seriously? What do you want, boy?"

MANSON: "If you want to prove that YOU'RE the HITMAN of EXW, then why don't you take on THE BEST THERE IS, THE BEST THERE WAS, AND THE BEST THERE EVER WILL BE, and we'll find out who the REAL HITMAN of EXW truly is!?"

Match. Manson gets a quick hit in, bounces off the ropes, and Cedric reverses a clothesline to get control. After a few minutes of Cedric building heat, Johnny Manson reverses a move, and in sequence hits the first four moves of doom: (snap suplex, pendulum backbreaker, russian leg sweep, 2nd-rope elbow), and goes for the Sharpshooter. Cedric reverses the Sharpshooter, hits one of his signature moves, and when Manson gets back up, Cedric hits his finisher. 1-2-3.

Cedric says this proves he deserves the EXW Elite Championship. Cutler Wright interrupts him.

CUTLER: "Wait, wait, wait, wait. YOU deserve a shot at the EXW Elite Championship? Well as the last man to actually DEFEND the championship, I think that *I'M* the one who deserves to get my belt back!"

CEDRIC: "Oh is that what you think? Well I just beat up this Bret Hart-wannabe without breaking a sweat. What makes you think you even stand a chance against me?"

Cutler starts to say something else, and he's interrupted by the GM, who takes a mic:

GM: "You want to fight for the EXW Elite Championship? And YOU want to fight for the EXW Elite Championship? Then I'll tell you what -- THIS SUNDAY, at EXTREME INTENTIONS, the two of you will have a match, and the winner.... the winner will be the NEW EXW ELITE CHAMPION!"

Cue Andrew Hellman's music. Hellman grabs a mic:

HELLMAN: "NEITHER ONE OF YOU deserve the EXW Elite Championship as much as I do! Who's been coming out here and busting his ass, week after week, more than Andrew Hellman?! NOBODY, THAT'S WHO! If ANYBODY deserves the EXW Elite Championship, it's ME!"

GM: "Andrew Hellman, you're absolutely right. So I tell you what... Tonight, IN THIS VERY RING! We're going to see CEDRIC THE HITMAN versus CUTLER WRIGHT! And the winner faces you on Sunday. The winner of THAT match will be the NEW EXW ELITE CHAMPION!"

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Okay. Anybody who was at last night's show, please tell me what part of that would have been so hard to book?

And this is what I came up with OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD. Theoretically, EXW has had at least TWO WEEKS to write this segment. And I came up with it in FIVE MINUTES!

[El Torito World Order]

Needs more Robocop.

[El Torito World Order]

OR rather than do that, they can make those two fight for the #1 contender, add "Rexx Reed Vs. Willie Mack for the vacant Elite Division Championship" randomly and with no announcement other than in a poll on their facebook, and hope that works out.

[borracho]

RELLIK? That's KILLER spelled backwards!

[borracho]

Incredible write up. Between this and Hits and Misses, I got a good idea of what I missed.
Which is nothing.

I remember ages ago, TNA offered a 1 cent PPV with all highlight matches. Great stuff and a solid way to bring people into the fold. A free show is a great idea to bring some new fans into the fold...if it gives them some reason to come back.

And I would love to know what demographics EXW is trying to attract. So far, it looks like the "comped tickets" demo.